The Clomid Crazies

Monday, February 02, 2015

I'm going to be real with you; I am NOT in a good place right now. Like, I should maybe be trying to talk myself out of hitting "publish" at the end of the post, but I'm not going to. I'm not the type to carefully curate my life so that all anyone sees are the good things. I'm going to go all corny with a The Facts of Life reference now (love that show, BTW): you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you crazy midnight rambles.

As you may know if you're a regular reader, I'm currently on my fourth cycle of Clomid. The first three weren't that bad; I had some hot flashes, I cried a little more than usual (which really wasn't much, since pretty much everything makes me cry even without fertility drugs), but that was it. I felt lucky that I hadn't been subjected to the violent mood swings and "Clomid rage" that I'd heard so much about.

Unfortunately, that's no longer the case.

not mine, but it definitely applies!
For me, the side effects of Clomid tend to kick in a few days after I finish taking it. Over the past few days, it's been especially bad. My hot flashes were a lot worse than normal, but I can deal with that. my mood has been up and down. Today (well, yesterday, if you want to be technical, since it's after midnight on Monday now) was so much worse. I would be feeling fine, and then I would just plunge into a pit of despair. Pretty much any time Tom would talk to me, I had to keep myself from going off on him. I spent half the night crying. I suddenly felt extremely overwhelmed about my infertility (though this might have been compounded by the three pregnancy announcements I've seen this weekend), and started having this awful nagging feeling that the Clomid isn't going to work this cycle (like, I'll backtrack and won't ovulate this time).

This has just been one of those days where it feels like I'm never going to get my baby. I've been waiting for so long. How much longer do I have to wait? Why is God putting me through this? It's just not fair.

I know a lot of this can probably be chalked up to the fact that the Clomid is making me go insane and my hormones are everywhere right now, but I'm just so overwhelmingly sad, and I hate it.

I just want to feel okay again, and not just for a few minutes.

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