Thursday, February 01, 2018

I didn't blog much this week, though I had intended to. The week ended up being much busier than usual for me, but on top of that, I've just been exhausted. Like let-me-sink-into-the-couch-and-never-move exhausted.

I hate feeling that exhausted (and I tend to be exhausted no matter how much sleep I get); it makes me feel really lazy and worthless.

I actually talked to my therapist about it this week. She reminded me that fatigue is a symptom of PCOS and asked if I ever considered that when I was exhausted. Since I rarely ever think of my PCOS outside of my reproductive problems, pesky hair issues, and weight (and sometimes not even with my weight), I told her I hadn't. She asked me how I thought I would feel if I thought of it as a symptom of the illness rather than just a negative personality trait, and I told her I would probably be a little kinder to myself if I thought of it in that regard.

The problem is actually thinking about it in that regard.

It's very difficult for me to cut myself slack, in basically every area of my life (another thing we talk about quite often in therapy). I know that in my quest to improve my self-esteem/confidence in myself, I'm going to learn how to do it eventually, but after decades of viewing myself a certain way, it's hard to just turn off that way of thinking.

When I was younger, there was someone in my life for whom my best was never good enough. And when what you're constantly being told is that who you are isn't enough, you need to be BETTER, it ends up making you feel like you're never enough.

Unfortunately, that has always stayed with me. I'm almost thirty, and I still feel like I'm not enough.

When I mentioned to my therapist that a lot of the time, I feel like I have nothing to offer (at the time, we were talking about Tom specifically, but I meant in a general sense too), she was horrified. I had always joked that all I ever had going for me was brains and boobs, but the sad thing is, it wasn't a joke. I generally still feel that way. And as I get older, I feel like both are going downhill, which makes me feel like even less than I did before.

I constantly feel like I need to be doing more. In every area of my life. I'm an extremely competitive person (to the point where it's sometimes problematic), even with myself. Any time I fail at something, no matter how small, it makes me feel horrible. Even as a kid, I tried to avoid things I was bad at (for the most part...there were some things where I thought I was better than I actually was), because it was just too crushing not to do well. I am doing *slightly* better about being a little forgiving in some situations. For example, when I had gone back to school, I made the Dean's List every semester...except the semester the boys came to live with us. I got one B, and I was furious with myself. Eventually, I did get to the point where I was able to tell myself that considering all the changes we'd gone through over those few months, I did well, but it definitely took me a few months to be able to feel that way.

I basically feel like a failure all the time. And I hate it. I want to be kinder to myself, but I'm not quite sure how (my therapist has suggested that I might benefit from an antidepressant, and I'm definitely considering it).

I'm hoping to get there one day though.

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