Infertile Feelings

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Most of the time, at this point, I'm pretty good at dealing with my feelings about my infertility (I mean, it has been more than nine years since we first started TTC).

But the other day, I just cracked open, and a bunch of stuff I didn't realize I was holding in came pouring out.

I had gone to Target to grab a new shower curtain rod (the boys had managed to pull the old one down so many times that it was basically unusable), and I saw this little boy (he was probably two) shopping with his dad. He was zigzagging around the aisle and just being generally adorable (the boy, not the dad), and it put a smile on my face. All I could think was I miss the boys being this little, but then I realized -- they never really were, at least not for us. Nolie was briefly, but we never experienced any of the toddler stage with Eric. And it hit me that we weren't going to get to experience that stage again. Though we had dreamt of a large family, it looks like we'll always be a family of four.

Later that night, we were watching a show, and a woman had been trying to get pregnant with another child, but hadn't, and went to her doctor for a checkup.

And something in me just broke.

I started sobbing. Tom freaked out and shut the show off. And when explaining to him what was going on, and how I was feeling, something came out of my mouth that I hadn't even really thought of before:

I never had a chance.

The doctor that diagnosed me with PCOS told me that he thinks I'd always had it, and that my (horrible) decision to get Depo-Provera when I was younger hadn't had a negative impact on my fertility and my inability to ovulate. Which means that I quite possibly never ovulated on my own.

And if I never ovulated on my own, I never had a chance to get pregnant on my own.

It was a weird realization.

Like, I think it's always been somewhere in the back of my mind, but it just never came to the surface until then.

Tom asked if I wanted to adopt again, but I don't think I do. The process took a lot out of us, and honestly, as selfish as this may sound, I want a baby. I want to be able to experience pregnancy. Plus, we don't really have room for another child. We have a three bedroom, but it's not really a great idea for the boys to share, and our house doesn't have any other rooms that would make a good bedroom for a third child.

I guess I'm just not as okay with everything as I thought I was.

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